Can we change people? Can they change themselves?

I’ve said many times - that I don’t think people change. Some good friends disagree with me. So, I’ve tried to think about it some more. 

When I say that people don’t change, I guess I’m really talking and thinking about their inner essence, their soul, their spirit so-to-speak. It is clear that our bodies evolve over time. Muscles, brain cells, joints etc. all age …but does that change who we are? Maybe we can’t do the same things, but we are likely the same person inside. If we were competitive, we likely still are; our inner competitiveness just manifests itself in different ways.

If we change jobs and learn to use new and different software techniques, adopt different ways of doing things or handling issues or dealing with people…have we changed?  I think our perspective and some aspects of behaviour might have changed…but we are not fundamentally different people. We have the same brain and senses and belief about human beings that we always did: we just apply them differently.

If I stop smoking, certainly my habits and behaviour have changed, but I have not. I may still crave the idea and I still love the same things and the same people. If a person quits drinking, what is it that changes? It’s his or her behaviour. The weakness or character trait that lead to (or enabled) the smoking and/or drinking is still there; its how we deal with them that has changed.

Which brings me a related thought; I often say that “You don’t have to ask people what they like to do you just have to watch them!” They will consistently do what they want to do, and that I think reflects a great deal about who they are. Sometimes, we are annoyed or displeased with what others do. Does that mean we don’t like who they are? And in such cases, do we think we can get the other person to change that behaviour? And if they actually do restrain themselves or adopt a different behaviour in a given situation, have they really changed? Likely not, I posit. They may change behaviour but their essence has not changed. And as a note, we cannot – in my view – change someone else’s behaviour or attitudes…people will only change when – and if – they decide to. It is always their choice.

So, I think that people’s behaviours can change, but that doesn’t change the essence of the person. Changes in behaviour they do make are because they (decide to) make them. Our inner self, personality orientations and belief system about other people and relationships just keeps on keeping on.  We cannot change others. Once a cynic, always a cynic; once a conspiracist, always a conspiracist; once open or  loving or  trusting or accepting of others, always open or  loving or  trusting or accepting of others. And, that’s the last word (for now at least)!         So...Keep On Eh.